The Necessity of Accountability

 

There are many important tools that recovering addicts have found useful in helping us find our way to a healthy life and spirituality. We have discussed the importance of meetings, making phone calls, and gratitude, this time we will go a little further into these ideas and focus on accountability.

Accountability is often discussed in Christian circles, at least among men who are trying to quit porn or other destructive habits. We are encouraged to find a good friend who can hold us accountable for our commitments.

When I first tried to practice this sort of accountability, I managed to build up the courage to ask a good friend to keep me accountable. My thought was that I would ask him to hold me accountable, and he would follow up and ask me at intervals how I was doing with that. My friend, likewise, was struggling, and asked me to hold him accountable as well. Then it became my job to ask how he was doing.

This can create some awkwardness, as you can imagine. It can become uncomfortable to have to keep up with me, especially if I am continuing to act out on a regular basis and every time he asks for an update and all I have is bad news. We can both become discouraged when it feels like we are not accomplishing anything.

Another problem is vagueness in our shares, "How are you doing, man?"  "You know, I'm really struggling."  "Yeah, me too."  "Well, don't quit!"  "Yeah, you too!"  Many times, this is the best we can do as we are starting out. We are not used to sharing the details and talking about the addiction can be uncomfortable and difficult. As we practice rigorous honesty and opening up with trusted people, it gets easier, the cords of shame gradually loosen, and we can share more details about our acting out. The more we share, the more we find relief from the shame that weighs us down.

I know today, with my good friend Tom, there is nothing that I can't share with him and there is nothing that he can't share with me. We are completely open and honest with each other. Nothing is hidden. This has come after years of sharing with others in Twelve Step groups and in therapy and along with Tom and I building trust over many months and years. We must start somewhere, and awkward, vague shares are better than not talking about it at all.

What really helped with accountability was getting involved in Twelve Step groups, and watching more experienced, sober men practice accountability. I learned that being accountable is primarily my responsibility, not my accountability partner's. In Twelve Step groups we usually try to find a sponsor to help us through the Steps. Our sponsor is not necessarily the only person we are accountable with but is certainly one of the main people. It becomes my job to call my sponsor. My sponsor may certainly call me, but the main responsibility is with me. If I slip into acting out behaviors, I should call him and let him know, and the sooner the better. If I can't get a hold of him, I may call someone else. The point is to keep myself accountable to these people. Accountability partners should not have to chase me down and follow up with me, I should be proactively contacting them on a regular basis.

It is like a doctor; we all know sometimes we need to see the doctor, and we make a call to set an appointment. We never expect our doctor to call us up and ask us how we are doing.

There have been many times since I have been locked up that I have not been able to make phone calls, but I have always been able to send letters. I usually have been able to email as well. Checking in with people through email can be a good way to stay accountable. Text messaging can serve a similar function. With group chat functions you can also check in with multiple people at the same time.

The text connection is good, but the voice connection is better. I have found it best to make that connection at least once a day. If not, then every other day or so. Early on in recovery we will need more connection and encouragement, but as our sobriety becomes more solid, we don't need the contact as much. There is a danger here as well, sometimes we gain some sobriety and we think we do not need to stay accountable with a group or other people in the program, and this can be a treacherous spot to be in and can lead to a relapse if we are not careful.

We have a good example of accountability in the Lord Jesus Christ:

"And they came to a place which was named Gethsemane: and he saith to his disciples, Sit ye here, while I shall pray. And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy; And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here and watch. And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him." (Mark 14:32-35)

Jesus was bearing the heaviest of burdens that night in Gethsemane before he was to be crucified. He knew he needed support and encouragement. So, he reached out to his disciples, and especially his three closest disciples, Peter, James, and John. He told them of his great sorrow and asked them to watch and pray with him.

If Jesus saw the need to stay accountable with his burdens, how much more do we need to stay accountable? Staying connected and accountable are useful tools in our programs, and in a similar vein, I have found that therapy can be a useful tool. We will look into that next time.

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