Poison Ivy and Sexual Desire

 

I have a dedicated, faithful friend named Tom. He is actually the person who updates this blog for me :).  We met a few years back at a Twelve Step meeting for sex addiction.  Tom began calling me on a regular basis, even when I had to move out of state to live with my dad while I was on pre-trial release and could not go to meetings with him.  He was persistent, and I am grateful for that.  At many times I struggled with relapses and depression, and even when I would ignore his calls for days or weeks, he continued to call.  He has helped me through many, many dark times and I am deeply grateful to him for that.

When I first started talking to Tom, he was living a homosexual lifestyle, but was on his way out of it in most ways.  He acknowledged that many of his behaviors were unhealthy and addictive.  One of the reasons we connected is because of our shared faith.  An important part of the Twelve Steps is learning to connect with God, and Tom and I both share faith in Jesus Christ, and I was able to give him some guidance and help him build a spiritual foundation for his program.

At times Tom would describe some activities he was involved in and then tell me how he would go to his Catholic church on Sundays.  The contradiction was not lost on him.

One of the major challenges for Tom was the conflict between his self-identification as a homosexual and his identity as a Christian.  He realized that he could not be a faithful Christian and live an alternative lifestyle.  I would add that no one can live a LGBTQ lifestyle and be a faithful follower of Christ.

For the most part I did not challenge him on his behaviors or beliefs, I just testified to my own faith and told him what I believed the Bible says.  More than anything I wanted him to know that even with his history of sin, God still loved him, accepted him, and wanted to have a relationship with him.  I shared the gory details of my own struggles with pornography as well, and he would encourage me that God was still with me and loved me as well.  At points he would ask me what I thought, and I would tell him things like, "I believe that you can't be a faithful follower of Christ and live a homosexual lifestyle."  He already knew this, and maybe he was hoping I could show him some way out.  But God's Word is clear.  (And so is Catholic teaching, at least on this point.)

In every interaction, I tried to express love and compassion.  Tom did not need a sermon from me, he needed an understanding and supportive friend.  And in the matrix of that friendship, I tried to speak the Truth into his life.

More than anything I prayed.  I prayed for God to open his eyes and change his heart.  I asked God to cast out and rebuke the evil spirits that had him blinded and in bondage.

Across the months and years, I witnessed Tom gradually change and become a faithful, celibate, Christian man.  This is not to say he does not struggle and fail from time to time as I do and all of us do, but he has a heart for God and is living out a Christian identity.  Tom is a walking miracle, a testament to the work of God's grace.

In my relationship with Tom, all I ever wanted to be was a conduit of God's love and grace.  I believed that Tom, and by extension all those living alternative lifestyles, know that what they are doing is wrong and that it is contrary to God's will.  They are "holding the truth in unrighteousness," they are accusing and excusing each other (See Romans 1 and 2).  This is why there is such vehemence and volatility around these issues, because they know down in their souls that their deeds are evil.  And if somebody dares to shine the light of God's truth on them, they are perceived as an enemy.  It is like approaching a wounded dog, even if you are trying to help, you are likely to get bitten if you are not careful.

In fairness, there have been many homosexuals and transsexuals who have been treated unfairly by their church communities and Christian family members.  Sometimes this is Christians trying to the do the right thing, and speak the truth in love, but it is not received well.  At other times it is self-righteous judgmentalism, which is never good or helpful.

Tom told me how from the time he was a young man that he would pray and beg God to change his heart and take away his desire for men, and God never did.  This is a common complaint among homosexuals.  Tom wanted to follow God and serve God, but his wayward cravings kept pulling him away.

This becomes a rationalization for their sin.  Their logic goes something like this, "I have these desires God says are not good.  I asked God to take them away, and He didn't.  Since God didn't take the desires away, He must think those desires are acceptable for me to pursue and live out."

Tom would bring this up in our conversations, and one of the ways I would respond is by sharing my story.  My desires never turned toward homosexuality, they centered on pornography.  Even when I was a teenager, I understood that pornography was not good.  It was not healthy and was not a part of God's plan for my life (or anyone else's for that matter).  Like Tom, I prayed for God to remove those desires from me.  I begged and pleaded to have victory, but porn continued to enslave me.

Month upon month, year after year, I prayed, pleaded, and begged God to deliver me, to change my heart.  "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10) I would pray over and over and over again.  For decades God allowed me to struggle, fight, and to wallow in my sin.  He never stepped in and transformed me like I wanted.

I could not understand it.  It frustrated me.  At times I grew angry and doubted.  I doubted I was truly a child of God.  I doubted God's goodness, though this was more rare, I doubted my own faith and willingness to do right more than I doubted God's goodness.  Shame and depression overwhelmed me.  It was a hurricane of spiritual forces in my heart, mind, and body.

In all that, I never convinced myself that somehow my desire for porn was a good thing, that it was just an "alternative lifestyle" I could choose to live if I wanted, and God would be fine with it.  I never told myself, "Well, God made me this way."  "The heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants porn!"  "I asked God to change me, and He didn't, so He must be okay with me living like this."  Those rationalizations never entered my mind.  I knew too much of God's Word and God's holiness to believe those lies.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and was in defiance of God's law.

But for many those lies can be convincing.

I would share all this with Tom and pray for God to let the seeds of truth bear fruit in his heart.

My heart is filled with nothing but compassion, respect, and love for all people living deviant lifestyles.  I grieve and feel deep sadness because I know they are seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in things that can never fulfill them and satisfy them.  They are drinking from empty wells and broken cisterns.  They are scratching an itch with poison ivy when Christ is the only balm that can give them the healing they need.

My desire is for everyone to find the peace, joy, and delight that I have found in Christ, and I know that it cannot be found in pursuing sexual fulfillment at any cost.  I was in that same condition for far, far too long.  I was addicted to porn and no matter my best efforts, I could not stop.  I had disordered desires and was trying to scratch an itch by rubbing poison ivy on it.

Today my desires are greatly diminished, but they are still there, humming in the background.  I don't know if I will ever lose all desire for porn.  Still, I recognize that desire is a crooked, wayward desire and I can never believe that pornography is a good thing, no matter how persistent the desire is.  I have seen the damage porn has had on my life and on the lives of so many others.  Even if there was no perceptible damage, Scripture still condemns pornography, and that should be enough reason for all of us to avoid it.

I believe all those living in alternative lifestyles know in their heart of hearts that how they are living is not right, but they ignore the pangs of conscience and drown out the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit with so much noise, the noise of sex, substances, and twenty-four-hour-a-day streaming entertainment.

We are broken people living in a broken world.  This extends to our hearts and desires.  Just because we want something does not mean that it is a good thing.  God is the judge, and we must trust Him to tell us what is right.  As we trust Him and walk by faith, we will find the fulfillment we crave that can never be satisfied by indulging in our fleshly desires.