Desperate Joy

  Image by  Holger Langmaier  from  Pixabay Those who know my story or have been reading this blog for any amount of time will know that I am an addict. My drug of choice is porn. That addiction dragged me to some dark places, and I ended up in Federal prison where I am now. We all have a hurt, a God-shaped scar on our soul. A piece of us that is hollowed out. As children we looked to our family to fill that void and heal the scar. Our caregivers usually meant well, but often their best intentions still left us wounded. It is an unfortunate reality that in most cases our parents and siblings are broken themselves and instead of pouring ointment into the gash, they poured in salt and vinegar. They loved us and wanted the best for us, but their love is still a fractured gift, it may have been genuine, but it was still tainted. For others of us, those caregivers abandoned us, or worse, tormented us further. Opening the wound even deeper. So, we looked to our frien...

  Like most little boys back in the day, I was fascinated with toy cars. I had the usual collection of Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars, and then a new fad came along of even smaller models, Micro Machines. I loved collecting, playing with and trading these tiny vehicles. In the imagination of a child these small cars had nearly as much charm as the full-sized originals they mimicked. When I played with these cars, part of the "cool" factor was how well they represented the real thing. This one looked like a Lamborghini, that one looked like a Corvette. And that one, that one is a monster truck! At times I would get my hands on more sophisticated models, they might have doors that swung open and a steering wheel that turned with the wheels in the front, and I would be amazed. Then there were the remote-controlled cars, what a blast it was to race those things around! All of these toys and models are just replicas. While the toy car may resemble the real thing and may have w...

  As you may or may not be aware, I am currently in prison. Prison, as you might expect, is filled with all manner of criminals. Of course, I am one of them, but my desire is to no longer commit crimes. Many of my neighbors have no such concerns, but rather are perfectly happy to continue breaking the law. This becomes an interesting dynamic. For the most part this law and rule breaking is not that serious. Usually, it involves using cell phones, drugs, or alcohol. These are clearly against the rules and if you get caught with any of these things you can get in serious trouble and either lose good time or have time added to your sentence. Then there are the smaller, less serious rules. Even among my Christian friends there are those who believe it is okay to break some of these rules. There is a policy here that we are not allowed to take any food out of the dining hall after meals. So even if we can't finish all the food on our tray either because we do not have the appetite o...

  Recovery from addiction is one of the fiercest battles that we can engage in. The battle is waged on two primary fronts: the heart and the mind. If we are going to live in sobriety we have to learn to think in new and healthy ways. We have to undo the old ways of thinking and learn new ways of thinking. "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (Romans 12:2) If we are going to be transformed so that we are no longer slaves to addiction, we need to have our minds renewed. In the previous post I told how I would use Scripture as a weapon to help fight off the intrusive, lustful thoughts that often came with the addiction. This has continued to be a great tool in my ongoing efforts to combat the addiction. Throughout Scripture we are encouraged to meditate on Scripture and memorization is a key part of that. Even while I was quoting Scripture, many...

  In recent days, the institution where I live has come off COVID restrictions and I have been able to get outside early in the morning, do some walking and praying, and watch the sun rise. It has been a delight to see God paint the sky in pastel hues every morning. I have always appreciated the majesty of the occasional sunrise or sunset, but as I have been working recovery and been clean from porn and masturbation, I appreciate these things more deeply. The colors of the world have a more vivid hue since my heart and mind are uncluttered from lust and porn. We live in a beautiful world, and it is a blessing being able to see that beauty more clearly. We are wired with a longing for beauty, this is one of the gifts God created us with. God has a taste for beauty; after all, he is the one who made the beauty of the mountains and oceans. He crafted the leopard and the eagle in flight, formed the planets and the galaxies. Every marvel in this universe is his masterpiece. Since we...

  In the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel, we find the story of David and Jonathan building a strong, intimate friendship, "...The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel 18:1) This is a powerful example for us. We all need a friend like that who we can love as our own soul, and who will love us the same. Someone we can knit our lives together with. Not a spouse, but a like-minded friend of the same gender. Men especially need other men in our lives to enrich us and strengthen us. Longfellow, in his epic poem, "The Song of Hiawatha," described this kind of friendship that Hiawatha had with two other men: "Two good friends had Hiawatha, Singled out from all the others, Bound to him in closest union, And to whom he gave the right hand Of his heart, in joy and sorrow; Chibiabos, the musician, And the very strong man, Kwasind. Straight between them ran the pathway, Never grew the grass u...

  My family was almost fastidiously religious when I was growing up. Next to nothing was ever said about sex. At church, the preacher would condemn fornication, pornography, and the like, along with extolling the goodness of marriage, but little else was said about it. As I hit puberty and my friends started talking about masturbation, I was intrigued. It wasn’t too long before I figured that out and found a tremendous source of pleasure and release. Masturbation quickly became a compulsion, and was a daily, if not multiple times a day, ritual. I am sure many men have had similar experiences. I attended a Christian high school and then went to a Bible college, not much was said about masturbation at either institution, other than some jokes here and there. If I discussed it with my friends, it was never with any seriousness. But I had an understanding, and I think most of my friends did as well, that it was not a healthy, Christ-honoring practice. There are a number of differen...

God's design and plan is always good.  Our bodies are inherently good and valuable because we are created in the image of God, and we are the Temples of the Holy Spirit.  Our bodies are sacred objects worthy of dignity and respect.  We have been developing these ideas over the last couple of weeks, but there is more to the story. Adam, Eve, and all of creation was called "very good" (Genesis 1:32) but then Adam and Eve sinned and all of that was shattered, destroyed their selfish choices.   As much as we need to realize that our bodies are created in the image of God and are meant to be the temple of the Holy Ghost, these images are marred, and these temples are damaged.   No one is the perfect image of God, or the ideal temple. The sad reality is that we live in a post-Genesis 3 world - a world broken by sin.   Our bodies, brains, minds, and spirits have all been stained by its ugly curse.   The Chemistry in our brains is out of balance, our neuro...

There is a scene in the film adaptation of S.W.A.T. (starring Colin Ferrell) in which a couple of cops are giving a third cop a hard time because he is eating fast food, "Hey, I thought you were a Mormon now, and you weren't allowed to eat that stuff anymore!?" The fast food cop replies, "Yeah, I converted when I married my wife, don't tell her.   We aren't supposed to eat this stuff, our bodies are a temple." "Huh! I treat mine like an amusement park!" It is a funny exchange, but it does offer an insight into the way many people think about their bodies.   Many people believe that the only purpose our bodies have is to provide us fun, excitement and pleasure, God and religion are just obstacles in the way of this goal.   There is little if anything considered sacred these days.   What was once considered holy is now profaned and what once was profane is now considered holy.   Our bodies included. We have lost the understanding that o...

  Over the previous few posts, we have been looking at this idea of personas, masks that we wear, or fig leaf disguises we put on to hide our shame from ourselves, God and those around us.  Last time we looked at the life of Saul of Tarsus who was converted and became the Apostle Paul.  When he was confronted by God on the Damascus road, his masks shattered, and God rebuilt him and made him into a new man, a better man.  A man that could be used for his service.  Through that process Paul stepped out of his persona as a self-righteous hypocrite into his true identity as a child of God, or as he often wrote in his letters, the servant of Jesus Christ.  Saul of Tarsus had to be crushed to dust before God could build up Paul the Apostle. There are echoes here of my own story.   I grew up in a solid, Christian home, with loving, nurturing parents, but in spite of all that I was wounded, and my soul was ruptured.   This led to me feeling inadequate...

  In the Old Testament we find the fascinating story of the nation of Israel.  At the beginning of the book of Exodus they are enslaved in the nation of Egypt.  Through many signs and wonders the Lord delivers them and they walk free into the wilderness. Moses, their fearless leader (well maybe not fearless, but pretty close) was summoned by God to climb up Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments.   He was up there forty days or so, and during that time the people became frightened and confused.   They called out to Aaron, Moses' brother, to make them an idol.   So, as the story goes, Aaron crafted a golden calf, and they began to worship this idol instead of the one true God who had delivered them from Pharaoh and his armies. The nation of Israel had taken their eyes off of the Lord.   They determined that they could decide for themselves what was true and false, and what was right and wrong.   "We don't need God!   We have this idol...