Toxic Shame - The Fuel of Addiction
Photo by cottonbro studio
When I was a teenager, around fifteen or sixteen, my sister went off to college, taking her driver's license with her. After that, my mom said I was on my own to ride my bike to school each day. At first, I was angry about my mom's unwillingness to drive me, but I came to enjoy riding my bike.
I would get home, and my mom would be upstairs in her room
doing her thing, my dad would be off at work, and I would be on my own with an
unfiltered internet connection.
This was how my addiction to pornography got started.
The feeling of the empty house reflected an emptiness in my
own heart, a feeling of lostness, of being abandoned. I needed something to
fill that void, and there was porn.
In the last few posts, we have been discussing shame in both
its toxic and healthy form. Healthy shame encourages us to turn from our bad
behavior and connect with God and others. Toxic shame drives us into isolation
and unhealthy behaviors.
Toxic shame is always a driving force behind addiction, mine
included.
Toxic shame began operating early when I was very young. As
with most things, I picked it up from my parents. Both my parents struggled
with toxic shame in their own way, and while I am sure they had not intention
of doing this, they passed that struggle on to me. My mom, especially,
struggled with a desperate form of depression that led to her tragic and
untimely death years later. I watched her foster anger and bitterness while I
was growing up and use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life's
challenges.
My parents never sat me down and said, "Now, John, this
is how you operate in a shame-based way..." But I watched, listened, and learned from
their example. I learned how to keep secrets, to hide my struggles. We are
always strong and in control. If we have issues, if we are sad or angry, we do
not show it. Meanwhile, we have our hidden, bad habits. The secret outlet we
all know about, but no one ever talks about. I watched and learned; this is how
you cope. This is how you deal with your emotions. This is how toxic shame
works.
My parents were largely encouraging and affirming, but I was
weighed down with this sense that I was never good enough just as I was. I had to achieve. I had to earn and merit the
respect and admiration of my parents, teachers and pastors. It was when I did
good things, then I was praised. If I wanted to feel loved, I had to bring home
a report card with good grades. I had to quote Bible verses, sing in the choir,
stay out of trouble. If I worked hard enough and achieved, then I would be
worthy of love. I was never worthy on my own. I always had to do better and try
harder.
Left alone in that empty house, filled with nothing but
insecurity and inadequacy, porn popped up and offered me a quick and easy
solution. It made me feel loved and respected. It made me feel powerful and in
control. It filled my brain with all the feel-good hormones that made me forget
about my loneliness and sorrow. It made me feel worthy, admired and accepted.
My mom may not think I am worthy of her time and attention,
but these digital, phantom brides certainly think I am. I might not have any
friends and my family may abandon me and leave me alone, but these internet
girlfriends are always there for me. They never turn away and reject me. When I
felt disrespected, they made me feel respected. I might feel powerless, but
they made me feel powerful.
All the negative feelings that came with toxic shame, porn
would make it all go away. I could enjoy a few minutes of bliss, a rush of
pseudo-happiness.
Inevitably though, I would climax, or I would hear the
garage door open signaling my dad was home or hear my mom coming down the
stairs and the party would be over.
Gradually the toxic shame would seep into my heart again,
this time in a more violent and greater measure. Now there was a whole new
reason to feel unworthy and inadequate. I had sinned against God, I had
dishonored my parents and failed to live up to my own values.
Initially I did not feel too much guilt and shame around
using porn, though, of course, I did my best to keep it hidden. I would never
talk with anyone about it, not even my friends that I knew were also looking at
porn. I had to maintain an image of piety and righteousness. I was the good,
Christ-honoring church kid, I didn't do things like look at porn!
Meanwhile I would make excuses to myself, "The Bible
doesn't really say porn is wrong..." (it does) “Everyone else is doing
it!" "God made women
beautiful, I am just appreciating what he created!"
Still, I knew full well porn was wrong, but I continued to
use it to help me escape.
But that pleasure was always fleeting and each and every
time the toxic shame would come back, pushing me further into hiding, driving
me further from my loved ones, from God, and from my own self. It became a
negative-feedback loop, driving me deeper and deeper into the miasma of shame. In
time my acting out behaviors became a form of self-punishment, self-immolation.
I did not deserve any better but to wallow in the cesspool of porn addiction.
Shame fed the addiction, and the addiction fed my shame. Anywhere
you find addiction you will always find toxic shame at work.
I wanted to be free from porn, but I had to learn how to
break free of the toxic shame first.
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