The Facade of Shame

 

Photo by John Noonan on Unsplash

"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity." (Matthew 23:27-28)

Jesus loved to condemn the religious leaders of his day, these Pharisees. "Hypocrites," he would call them. The term describes actors on the stage. It literally means, "those who wear masks."  At the time one person would fill multiple roles in a play, and to differentiate between characters he would wear different masks. Jesus was saying that these Pharisees were wearing masks. They presented a false self to the world, while hiding their true selves, their true identity.

Jesus also compared them to tombs, elegant on the outside, but full of death on the inside. This is often how I felt in the midst of the addiction. I could put on a brave front to impress everyone, make everyone believe I was as righteous and pious as they come, but inside I was full of corruption and death. I had mastered the art of the Pharisee, of wearing a mask to hide my true self.

We have been contrasting toxic and healthy shame on this blog for a little while now. Healthy shame focuses on issues, actions and behaviors. It leaves us a path out of danger by helping us make better choices in the future. It tells me I did a bad thing and can do better next time.

Meanwhile toxic shame focuses on my identity. It keeps me trapped in unhealthy behaviors by convincing me that is who I am, and I cannot change. It tells me I am a bad person and will always be bad, and so I continue to do bad things.

Toxic shame forces on me a dangerous and dark identity. It makes me believe I am basically worthless, that I am unworthy of love. In my heart's core, I feel like a failure, like I have let everyone down. If they really knew me, then they would abandon me. So, I am forced to create a false self, a mask to show the world to let them see what I believe they want to see.  This is the only way I can find the love and respect I need, by pretending to be the kind of person people will love and respect. I put on a costume and dance about then go backstage and weep when I see the creature I really am in the mirror.

Adam and Eve did something similar. Before their great sin, they lived in perfect innocence. Part of that innocence is that they were naked and unashamed. They had nothing to hide, they knew each other completely, and accepted and affirmed each other completely. There was no need for masks. But once they had eaten the forbidden fruit, they knew they had sinned. They knew they were naked, and in their shame, they sewed fig leaves into aprons to hide their nakedness. They could no longer stand before God and each other in their naked glory and authenticity, shame had driven them to cover up their true selves.

These masks and fig leaves become false selves, personas we present the world. We have become actors filling roles knowing we can never reveal our true selves. If we did, we would be rejected, abandoned, punished. So, we smile and say we are "fine".

For me, especially growing up, I was the "good kid". Other kids got in trouble, my sister was the difficult one, but not me. I did well in school, I achieved. I labored for approval and affirmation. To this day I can recognize people pleasing and approval seeking as problems rooted in toxic shame, in these false personas. As an adult I hid behind self-righteousness and false piety. I was disciplined and diligent in every area except one. Everybody knew my mask; nobody knew the real me underneath.

We might hide behind the mask of the tough guy; we play it cool and aloof. Or put on the mask of people pleasing, we do everything to make everyone else happy and comfortable while we languish. Many of us hide behind politics. This can be a form of self-righteousness: me and my people are holy and righteous, and all those other people are idiots and demons! We hide behind money, clothes, make-up. We play video games and binge watch shows till our eyes bleed to keep hiding, to numb the pain we feel at our own unworthiness. Our jobs, businesses, hobbies can all be facades. We obsess over the smallest details because we can't bear to fail and for people to find fault with us. We do everything we can to look good, act good, be good in the desperate hope that people will like us, that they won't stop liking us. We pose and play it cool while we silently scream, "Please like me!"

All of this is the fruit of toxic shame. We can't bear our own unworthiness, so we make disguises to deceive ourselves and everyone around us. The only way we can find healing and wholeness is if we learn to take off these masks and reveal our true selves: pimples, warts and all. This becomes a sort of paradox. We cannot bear to reveal our authentic selves because we know we will be rejected. But if we are to know true love and acceptance, we must take the risk and reveal our whole selves. This is the only way out of the toxic shame that keeps us trapped in addiction and other unhealthy behaviors.

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