Finding the Love that Casts Out Shame
PRAYER IN THE GARDEN
(Image courtesy of Free Bible Images)
One of the more important and powerful verses in the Bible says this, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) Though I might modify it a little, "There is no shame in love, but perfect love casts out shame." (And just to qualify, I am not talking about healthy shame, but the toxic kind. Healthy shame serves to protect love.)
If we want to break free from toxic shame and the multitude
of unhealthy behaviors that it causes, we need love.
We crave nothing more than love. It is our greatest need. In
order to be truly loved, we must be truly known. It is that deep, powerful love
that will overcome the shame that binds us.
But with toxic shame driving the bus, we will never find it.
Toxic shame forces us to hide what is really going on inside of us. It
convinces us that no one would love us as we are, so we create facades and
false personas to show people what we believe they want to see so that we can
harvest some measure of affirmation and affection from them.
We dare not reveal our true, authentic selves, with our
brokenness and scars, because we know we would be cast out, rejected and
abandoned.
People may tell us that they love us, but we don't believe
them because we know that they do not know what is really going on in our
hearts and minds. They don't know who we actually are. They don't know the
sickness and stink that we cover up. If they did, that love would quickly turn
to loathing.
It becomes a paradox of sorts. We cannot find love while
shame is in control, and we can't break the control of shame without that love.
The only way to break free is to find the courage to become
vulnerable. Vulnerability is the turning point that leads us down the pathway
to love.
There is a saying in Twelve Step groups, "We are only
as sick as our secrets." Healing
begins when we break the silence and stop hiding.
In my last blog post, I told my story about the first time I
told anyone about the addiction, and how this opened me up to the love of God
in a more powerful and dramatic way.
Nothing has done more to help me in my battles with toxic
shame than practicing vulnerability. Today there are at least two men who know
every rotten detail of the worst moments in my addiction, and they both
continue to love, respect, and support me.
Vulnerability and rigorous honesty are the best medicines
for toxic shame and addiction.
Jesus himself demonstrated vulnerability in the Garden of
Gethsemane. The hour of Christ's suffering and death was near, and he was
feeling the extraordinary weight of his destiny. He took his disciples into the
Garden to pray.
Here is what we find in Matthew 26:36-38, "Then cometh
Jesus with [the disciples] unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the
disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder. And he took with him Peter
and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. Then
saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye
here, and watch with me."
This amazes me every time I read it, Jesus Christ, the Son
of God, the Creator of the universe, in the garden that night was
"exceeding sorrowful, even unto death." His heart was breaking under the weight of
the curses he would bear to the Cross. He was weighed down and ready to
collapse. He needed support, he needed some help and encouragement.
So, he called his disciples to him and asked them to wait,
then he called his three closest friends, Peter, James and John, and opened his
heart to them in a special way, revealing his weakness in that moment and asked
them to watch and pray with him.
Jesus did not know sin, and so he could not know shame, but
he still felt grief and sorrow as we all do. He needed the love and support of
his friends in this dark hour. He was not afraid to expose the inner heaviness
and pain with which he was dealing.
Have you ever felt "exceeding sorrowful, even unto
death"? I know I have; this is what addiction and toxic shame does to our
hearts, it cripples us and drowns us in depression and despair. It pushes us
further and further into the dark.
Just as the smallest of lights expels the darkness, love can
shine in our hearts to expel the toxic shame. But the love we need and so
desperately crave can only come if we are willing to take the greatest of risks
and completely reveal ourselves, to be vulnerable, to tell our story in all its
grimy details. We must open up our hearts and reveal the filth that is there
and invite others to love us in spite of it. The amazing thing is, there are
people that will.
This takes more courage than most are willing to muster. Most
of us would rather jump off a cliff or face a raging bear than dare to reveal
our secret shame. It is a frightening task and not for the weak of heart. There
are risks. We may be rejected, ridiculed, or abandoned. But more than likely we
will find compassion, respect and empathy. People are often kinder than we give
them credit for.
Toxic shame has been driving the bus for long enough. It is
time to kick him out for good. Love is the only way to make that happen. To
find that love we must invite people to know us for who we really are,
including every filthy regret we hope that nobody ever finds out. Being
vulnerable and sharing those dark secrets is the only way to open ourselves up
to that perfect love. The perfect love that casts out shame.
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