The Freedom of Vulnerability
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16)
I remember hearing this verse preached about when I was a
kid and the pastor saying something like, "I don't need to hear about your
sins, don't come confessing them to me! I can't forgive your sins! Only God can
do that, just confess your sins to him!"
I believe it is true that we only need to confess our sins
to God in order to be justified. Jesus is the only priest we need to make
mediation and absolution for us, no other human priests are required. But the
context of the verse is not about salvation, but about praying for healing from
a sickness or affliction.
The Apostle James tells us that if we want healing, we
should go to the church, confess our faults and sins and have them anoint us
with oil, lay hands on us and pray for us.(See James 5:14) If we are sick and afflicted with any sort of
addiction or habitual sin, we should confess that, not just to God, but to
other people in the church.
Confession is good for the soul. And it is absolutely
necessary if we are to find healing and restoration from the addictions and
toxic shame that afflicts us.
It is only when people completely know us that they can
completely love us, and it is in that complete, unconditional love that we find
the power to overcome addiction and the toxic shame that drives it.
If people are going to know us completely that means we must
open ourselves up to them, we must become vulnerable and share those parts of
our lives we most want to hide. The shadows we are most ashamed of must come
into the light.
But how do we do that? How can we practice vulnerability?
In order for us to practice vulnerability we must first find
at least one trustworthy, dependable person. Though having multiple people to
share the load is better. As I shared previously, I first shared about my porn
addiction with a pastor. Most pastors would be happy to hear our stories and
offer encouragement and support.
Whoever it is, make sure the person is safe. He or she
should not be judgmental or self-righteous. We should trust this person to
protect our story and not spread it around. If he tends to tell you stories
about other people, there is a good chance he is telling stories about you to
other people as well.
A therapist is usually a safe person to be vulnerable
with. Keep in mind that if you have been
doing anything illegal, they are required to report that. So, if you do share,
leave it more vague, "I have really been struggling with fantasies about
young girls." I am sure there are
many therapists who would not report you for looking at images and such, but
better safe than sorry. Many pastors are mandatory reporters as well. If you
can't share those details with a therapist, then you will want to find someone
else who is able to hear it.
Twelve Step groups and other support groups are a great
resource to tap. I found the courage to unload my struggles when I heard other
men doing the same. Most times we need a good example of vulnerability if we
are going to learn to practice it for ourselves. There are many kind and
compassionate people to be found in these groups, though, not all of them are
reliable. Some will be judgmental, depending on what you share. Addicts are
sometimes like this, if your addiction is different than mine, there is
something clearly wrong with you.
It is an unfortunate reality that often we do not feel safe
sharing our struggles with people in the church. This should not be so. Church
should be the safest place for us to vulnerable. Our churches should be a place
where we feel safe and secure enough to share anything from our lives and know
that we will be loved and respected no matter what.
This does not mean that I think Sunday morning worship
should be a time where we stand up and spill our guts, but if we have a small
group fellowship or Bible study, we should be able to be vulnerable with them. The
problem with this is that we all know this is a good and healthy thing to do,
but none of us want to go first.
Initially, I struggled to share the details of what I was
dealing with. I would talk to my church friends, but would be super vague,
"I'm really struggling... with lust, you know?" This is a common theme with Christian guys. We
know we need support and accountability, but we don't really know how to be
rigorously honest.
It takes time to build the trust necessary to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. It is a gradual process. At first, I only shared about the fact that I struggled with porn. As I built more trust with individual men and the groups in general, I felt more comfortable with sharing more details about the deviant material I was looking at and the more troubling behaviors with which I was struggling.
Now many of these details are a matter of the public record,
so I am not shy about them. Still, there are a couple details from my past only
a handful of men know about. It took me years to build the courage and the
trust to be able to share those stories with them.
Rigorous honesty takes practice. We do not know how to do it
at first. We don't know what details to share. Most often we don't share enough
details (like above). People need to know how to help us and pray for us, and
they need enough detail to be able to do that. But we do not need to share too
much detail, sordid, graphic details are not usually necessary. Sometimes this
is called over-sharing.
The more we get into recovery the more we understand how
much our mental and emotional state affects our recovery. Early on, we might
share too many physical details about our acting out, but not enough about what
we were thinking and feeling in the days and hours leading up to an episode. Understanding
those stressors and emotional triggers and being able to discuss them is
essential to recovery.
We often don't know how to talk about the thoughts and
feelings we are dealing with. We don't have the language. This is why we go to
meetings and listen; we get a sponsor and/or a therapist and get his or her
advice. Then we practice, and as we practice, it becomes easier. And eventually
it becomes second nature, and we learn when we are getting off balance and we
need to connect with someone.
There is tremendous power in confessing our faults and being
vulnerable. It is liberating. But we want to make sure we are doing it the
right way with the right people at the right time and place.
This is a skill that we work at and hone. In time it will
become second nature, but those first, clumsy, awkward steps are difficult. May
we find the courage to take those first faltering steps.
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