Pant Legs and the Presence of God

Recently I have been reflecting and writing about my childhood.  When I was little, right around knee height to adults I would often grab hold of my dad's leg for comfort and security.  I was a bit shy, so anytime we were in a crowd this was my way to feel safe and connected with my dad.  For some added fun, I would put my feet on top of his and he would walk around with me on it, stiff legged.  

One time, we were at church and I found myself lost in a forest of moving legs.  I tried to pick out my dad's pants and shoes from the mess.  I found a match, and I latched on.  But then a strange voice greeted me and I looked up to see an unfamiliar face.  I had grabbed some strange man's leg!  This was not good.  Fortunately he was kind and helped me find my dad.  I was able to safely grab on to his leg once more. 

It is amazing how in many ways I grow older and wiser, but somehow manage still stay naive and immature.  All too often I feel like that little boy lost in a crowd, lost in a forest of moving legs, confused, disoriented, and not sure which way to go or who to trust.  I want to find God, to latch on to my Heavenly Father, but there are so many distractions, so many convincing alternatives that all too often lead me astray. 

This is no wonder, because Satan is in the business of deception.  He is the master of disguise and wants nothing more than to lead us astray and into destruction.  2 Corinthians 11:13-14(KJV) says this, "For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.  And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light." The Apostle Paul here describes Satan as an angel of light.  Popular media likes to represent him with bright red skin and horns, obviously menacing and threatening.  The reality is much more ominous.  He appears appealing and desirable.  He looks less like a creep and more like the homecoming king.  He doesn't look like the hag, he looks like the cute girl next door.  

As a young teenager I fell victim to this deception.  I often felt confused and abandoned, and bullying and loneliness were frequent struggles.  It was like I was in the forest of legs all over again and Satan was right there to lead me astray.  What I really needed was the connection and comfort found in the presence of God, but instead of finding my Heavenly Father, I found porn.  It looked good and it felt right. It was a convincing substitute.  I went to it time and again to fill those needs for comfort, security and belonging.  Porn offered me false intimacy and false relationship.  With porn, the pain of my loneliness would vanish.  It was a deeply flawed and broken coping mechanism, but it was what I had at the time.  Porn is one of Satan's most cunning traps, it looks enticing and beautiful on the surface, but within it is full of venom and disease.  And I fell for it.  I was deceived and had grabbed onto the wrong leg. 

The nation of Israel throughout the Old Testament was guilty of this very thing.  They turned away from God time and time again and worshipped false gods.  The prophet Jeremiah rebuked them for this, "For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water." (Jeremiah 2:13, KJV)  Jeremiah is comparing God to a well of cool, clear, refreshing water.  If we dig into Him, we will be satisfied.  But what Israel was doing was digging into empty, broken wells and were coming up dry.  Still, they continued to dig.

 This is what I was doing in my addiction, digging into an empty well.  The world is full of people doing the same thing we pursue careers, relationships, drugs, alcohol, or anything else to meet our needs besides God. 

The other day, a few of us men were having a Bible study and I asked them for modern examples of idols.  Almost immediately they said things like "Cell phones!" "Social media!" "TV!"  We know intuitively the things that distract us and pull us away from Christ.  It is far too easy to settle for these substitute saviors.  These are broken wells, pant legs that do not belong to our Heavenly Father.  And yet we follow after them, hoping they will satisfy us.  But they never can. 

When I grabbed onto that stranger's leg, he was kind enough to help me and my father reunite.  In a strange, twisted way, porn has helped me reunite and stay connected with God.  Through my struggles with recovery and relapse I have had to pursue God with more ferocity and cling to Him more desperately than if everything in my life was roses and sunshine.  In my spiritual thirst, I dug into the broken well of porn and ended up more thirsty and sick than before.  So I have had to dig more deeply into God's well to find that water that will heal me and satisfy my deepest longings.  This is what God does, He takes what the enemy meant for evil and turns it into something good.  He turns graves into gardens.  

It is good to remember that when we feel lost in that forest of legs, confused and turned around, unable to connect, God is looking for us as well.  He is always in pursuit of us, He will not hide Himself from us.  For a time He may feel distant because He wants to test us and encourage us to seek after Him.  He will let us go through the valley of the shadow of death in order that we may return to Him and rest beside the peaceful waters.  He will let us dig into empty wells, so that we will learn that He is the only fountain filled with living water.