The Healing Power of Community

 

Pornography addiction is an insidious and powerful enemy. It had a strangle hold on me for most of my life.

When the addiction was running the show, one of the trademark problems it caused was isolation. Every time I acted out with porn I would be filled with toxic guilt and shame, this led me to hide from God and from others.

"How're you doing?"  people would ask. I became the master of the inauthentic smile and the "I'm fine."  Even when I was particularly distressed and depressed and those close to me could see I was not okay, “What's going on?"  "I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well last night."  Which was usually at least partly true, but the reason I wasn't sleeping well was because I was up half the night on the internet clicking away my sanity.

I was filled with pride. Pride in my image, I could not let anyone see how weak I was. I was the good Christian guy; I was a leader in the church. I had a reputation to maintain. If I let my guard down and revealed my secret shame, I would be rejected and abandoned. There was a tight knot of fear in my chest that kept me secluded.

I was like Adam and Eve, feeling the weight of my sin, but trying to hide behind shrubbery and fig leaves. I could hide my problems from other people, and did for a long time, but I could never hide from God. He always sees into the darkest recesses of my heart. I put a mask on to fool everyone else, but I could never fool God and I could never fool myself.

I believed for many years that my issues with porn were just a bad habit, a problem sin, and I just needed more discipline and willpower to overcome it. I did not think that I could defeat it on my own, but I believed that only other person I needed was God. No one else need apply. So, I kept praying, fasting, memorizing Scripture, working long hours at the church, hoping somehow I could overcome the evil that was strangling my life.

Eventually, after nearly ten years of struggling and failing on my own, I realized I needed to talk to someone about it. I needed help from someone else besides God. Or, maybe, I needed to let God help me through someone else.

I first opened up to a couple pastors at the church I was attending at the time. They were both encouraging and supportive. My fear that I would be disrespected and shamed was completely unfounded. They were both very helpful, but were out of their depth, so I turned to Christian therapist in the area. I had to sacrifice the image I had made of myself; I had to lose "face". Really, I was taking off my mask and revealing my true face for the first time. Whatever respect people had for me was respect for a fictional character I had created, not my true self. Now I have given people the opportunity to know, respect and love me for who I really am, wounds and all. Opening up, being vulnerable and sharing brought me tremendous relief. It gave me a new sense of freedom. I was no longer alone.

As I went through this process of opening up and sharing my story with pastors, a therapist and a few good friends, a couple verses found new meaning for me. One of them comes from James 5:16, "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another that he may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

Throughout my years in church, I had heard preachers discuss this verse at different times, and the message I heard was that this verse did not mean that I had to confess my sins to another person. I only needed to ask God for forgiveness. Jesus is our faithful high priest, and he is the only mediator we need between ourselves and God. We do not need a priest or a church to find forgiveness or absolution. Practically speaking what these pastors said was, "Don't tell me about your sin, and you don't need to tell anyone else, either!"  Most of the churches I was in throughout my childhood and twenties were very conservative. I was afraid that if I told anybody about my issues with porn that I would be judged, and that fear was not necessarily unfounded.

While I believe that we do not need another person to mediate for us in order to find forgiveness for sins, there is still wisdom and practical truth in this verse. If we confess our faults to each other, this opens the door for healing, especially in the context prayer. Prayer is a powerful force for healing, but if I am not confessing my faults to anyone, no one knows I need prayer in that area. I needed healing, but as long as I was holding on to my secrets, I could never find it. I had to pull the curtains back and reveal the pain in my heart to find the mercy and compassion I needed.

Another verse that spoke to me was Galatians 6:2, "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  Paul is writing here that the Christian life is meant to be a collaborative effort, we each help each other out. After I had shared my burdens with a few men, I remember reading this and thinking, "How are other people supposed to help me bear my burdens if I am not telling them what they are?"

God's design for the good life is for us to be living in community, asking for and receiving help, and then giving help in turn. When I am weak, there is always somebody strong I can lean on, and when I am strong, I can reach out and help those who are weak.

Jesus himself modeled this type of community when he gathered his Twelve Disciples around him and shared his burdens with them. Peter, James, and John were especially close to the Lord, and he leaned into them more than the others. On the night Jesus was betrayed, he took his disciples into the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. We pick the story up in Matthew 26:37-38, "And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me."  Jesus was feeling the weight of the Cross pressing in on him, and he needed support. Christ turned to his Father in prayer, but he also called upon his friends to help him in prayer.

Have you ever been "sorrowful and very heavy"? Who do you have that you can call to help you, support you and pray with you when you are feeling that way? If you do not have a friend like that, let me encourage you to find someone. Twelve Step groups are a great place to look. Odds are you can think of someone, but you have never opened up like that with him. Maybe it is time you did. James 5:16 promises us healing if we are willing to confess our faults and pray for each other. We cannot find healing from our addictions if we are not willing to confess our faults to each other and ask for help.