Desperate Joy

  When God calls us to follow Christ, he calls us to a life of self-denial and self-sacrifice. This comes in direct conflict with our own natural proclivities and the messaging from our culture, which encourages us to pursue every carnal desire and indulge every fleshly appetite. If we want something, especially sexually, we are told that is a good thing and we should seek to satisfy it. Our tendency is to focus on our physical needs and desires, and neglect the deeper, spiritual needs that we have. Many, if not all, of us addicts fell into the tar pit of addiction because we were seduced by those voices of self-indulgence. We listened to the cravings of our flesh and made self-gratification our highest priority. We ignored our spiritual needs and desires and settled instead for making our bodies feel good. What we inevitably found was a life desolate of emotional and spiritual substance. This is far from God's intentions for us. God is calling us to self-control and self-maste...

One of the major driving forces of addiction is selfishness. I discovered this early on. Porn made me feel good, so I used it. It didn't matter that it didn't fit into my beliefs or values. It didn't matter that my faith called it a sin. It didn't matter how miserable I would feel after, I wanted it, I needed it and I would have it, no matter what. It is a strange and curious thing, that while I was selfishly indulging the addiction, I was busy in the church, helping and serving others. I had committed my life to serve the Lord and wanted nothing more than to honor and serve him. This was a good thing, even though my motives were often a mess. My heart was frequently twisted with guilt and shame. I would be serving from a position of lack, instead of serving because God had filled my heart up with so much love that it was overflowing. Acting out would empty and dry my heart, but I kept working and striving, hoping to fill that emptiness and dryness. I thought servic...

  In recent days, the institution where I live has come off COVID restrictions and I have been able to get outside early in the morning, do some walking and praying, and watch the sun rise. It has been a delight to see God paint the sky in pastel hues every morning. I have always appreciated the majesty of the occasional sunrise or sunset, but as I have been working recovery and been clean from porn and masturbation, I appreciate these things more deeply. The colors of the world have a more vivid hue since my heart and mind are uncluttered from lust and porn. We live in a beautiful world, and it is a blessing being able to see that beauty more clearly. We are wired with a longing for beauty, this is one of the gifts God created us with. God has a taste for beauty; after all, he is the one who made the beauty of the mountains and oceans. He crafted the leopard and the eagle in flight, formed the planets and the galaxies. Every marvel in this universe is his masterpiece. Since we...

  In the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel, we find the story of David and Jonathan building a strong, intimate friendship, "...The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel 18:1) This is a powerful example for us. We all need a friend like that who we can love as our own soul, and who will love us the same. Someone we can knit our lives together with. Not a spouse, but a like-minded friend of the same gender. Men especially need other men in our lives to enrich us and strengthen us. Longfellow, in his epic poem, "The Song of Hiawatha," described this kind of friendship that Hiawatha had with two other men: "Two good friends had Hiawatha, Singled out from all the others, Bound to him in closest union, And to whom he gave the right hand Of his heart, in joy and sorrow; Chibiabos, the musician, And the very strong man, Kwasind. Straight between them ran the pathway, Never grew the grass u...