Fasting and Recovery

One of the major driving forces of addiction is selfishness. I discovered this early on. Porn made me feel good, so I used it. It didn't matter that it didn't fit into my beliefs or values. It didn't matter that my faith called it a sin. It didn't matter how miserable I would feel after, I wanted it, I needed it and I would have it, no matter what.

It is a strange and curious thing, that while I was selfishly indulging the addiction, I was busy in the church, helping and serving others. I had committed my life to serve the Lord and wanted nothing more than to honor and serve him. This was a good thing, even though my motives were often a mess. My heart was frequently twisted with guilt and shame. I would be serving from a position of lack, instead of serving because God had filled my heart up with so much love that it was overflowing. Acting out would empty and dry my heart, but I kept working and striving, hoping to fill that emptiness and dryness.

I thought service would alleviate the burden of guilt I carried. I thought being selfless was the way to make things right. I knew Christ had redeemed me and that his blood had washed away my sin, but I still thought I had to work to make things right with God. I would confess my sins to God and find some comfort and cleansing, but I had to balance the scales with my own efforts. Guilt was driving my service as much as anything else.

I knew God loved me, and nothing could make him stop loving me, but as I was acting out in the addiction, I felt like I had to make it up to him. Every time I failed and fell into sin, I had to fight to make things right.

One of the ways that I often felt like I need to labor to make things right was in the area of fasting. I don't know if I would go so far as to say that I was punishing myself by fasting, but I certainly had the attitude that I had to make up lost ground spiritually. I was fasting from a position of sorrow and repentance.

Fasting became a blunt instrument I used to fight the addiction. I did it to fight and overcome my sin. I do not think these motives were necessarily wrong. Fasting is always good for the soul regardless of the reasons why.

What I found, though, was that as long as I was using porn and acting out sexually, fasting was not very effective. My ongoing sin greatly limited how the Holy Spirit could minister to me.

Fasting can be a powerful, high level spiritual discipline, but it was like I was trying to run a marathon with a sprained ankle.

Over the last couple of years, by God's grace, I have abstained from porn, fantasy and other acting out behaviors more than I ever have before in my life. My mind has been uncluttered from the trash that has polluted it for so long. As my heart and mind have come clean, I feel more drawn to fasting. And when I fast, I feel I am better able to connect with God and feel his Spirit moving in my soul. It is much easier to practice fasting in jail and prison than when you are on the streets. Fasting has helped me strengthen my self-control and self-discipline and has helped me overcome some troubling habits like masturbation.

In recovery, a common acronym we use is "HALT" which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I like to add bored and stressed and change it to BLAST. This is a guideline for us early in recovery to remind us of those times we are more susceptible to being tempted to return to the addiction. We need to watch out for those vulnerable times, and for many people, hunger is a trigger and may lead to relapse.

This is good advice, if I am hungry, that can lead to more stress, which can make it more challenging to maintain sobriety. Because of this, as I have been working my program, I have gone back and forth with fasting. At times I felt like fasting was a good thing and helped me spiritually. At other times I felt like it was more like a form of self-flagellation; that I was punishing and depriving myself unnecessarily. Practicing good self-care, and nurturing ourselves is an important part of recovery, and eating healthy, nutritious food is part of that.

So, there were times I would fast once a week or less often, and other times I did not. Fasting can help us connect with God and deepen our spirituality, but it is difficult, if not impossible to find that connection if we are indulging in habitual sin.

I am not sure if fasting is a useful tool for everyone in recovery since it was not always helpful for me. Part of it is our attitude going into it. If we are punishing ourselves, it is not helpful, but if we are genuinely using it to connect with God, then it can be helpful. Those of us who have solid sobriety and a mature faith, then fasting should be part of our lives. But if we are just getting going in our walk with God and recovery, it might be better to hold off. It is something we can always try and see how it affects us.

In the next post I want to look at some Scripture about fasting and some practical guidance around it.