Naked Hearts Together

 

In the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel, we find the story of David and Jonathan building a strong, intimate friendship, "...The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel 18:1) This is a powerful example for us. We all need a friend like that who we can love as our own soul, and who will love us the same. Someone we can knit our lives together with. Not a spouse, but a like-minded friend of the same gender. Men especially need other men in our lives to enrich us and strengthen us.

Longfellow, in his epic poem, "The Song of Hiawatha," described this kind of friendship that Hiawatha had with two other men:

"Two good friends had Hiawatha,

Singled out from all the others,

Bound to him in closest union,

And to whom he gave the right hand

Of his heart, in joy and sorrow;

Chibiabos, the musician,

And the very strong man, Kwasind.

Straight between them ran the pathway,

Never grew the grass upon it;

Singing birds, that utter falsehoods,

Story-tellers, mischief-makers,

Found no eager ear to listen

Could not breed ill-will between them,

For thy kept each other's counsel

Spake with naked hearts together,

Pondering much and much contriving

How the tribes of men might prosper."

I have been blessed to have some good friends throughout my life, though I have not always been a good friend. One of the most important parts of my recovery from addiction has been finding and cultivating strong friendships with other men. Recovery is not something that I could have done on my own. I needed help, I needed other men to come alongside me and help me and encourage me to stick with it. I needed to know that I was not alone, and that I had brothers I could rely on for support.

One of the most important friends I have had in recovery or otherwise has been Tom. I first met Tom at a Twelve Step meeting in Arizona prior to my arrest, but while I was under investigation. I only vaguely recall this. Soon, Tom began calling me on a regular basis. I had to move to California to stay with my dad while I was on pre-trial release. I had limited access to meetings and could only do only telemeetings for many months. During this time Tom consistently called me. He was working on Steps Two and Three which are about our relationship with God, and he frequently asked me for guidance about how he could work those steps. I was able to help him restore and rebuild his faith and he helped me to stay connected to my program. Soon Tom and I were calling each other at least once a day.

There were times while I was on house arrest when my dad would be out of town for work and I would be stuck alone in the house for several days, unable to go anywhere because my pre-trial officer would not allow it. Darkness descended on me, and my addictive behaviors escalated. I became very disillusioned and depressed. There was at least one period of time I became so emotionally crippled that I stopped answering the phone for several days. I would see that Tom was calling and I would ignore it and go back to whatever mind-numbing behavior I was doing at the time. Tom was persistent and continued to call and leave messages even when I stopped responding.

Eventually the fog cleared, and I picked up the phone and called Tom back, he happily picked up the phone and offered me the "right hand of his heart" once again. He understood the power of the addiction and did not harbor any resentment toward me for not talking to him for those days.

Through all my issues with pre-trial, going to court, and time of incarceration, Tom has been a faithful and steadfast friend. He has always offered me words of affection and inspiration. No matter how much I despaired, he reminded me that God loved me no matter what.

In the years since I have been locked up, Tom has been there for me. He picks up the phone when I call, and we email and write letters. He has been a strong support for me through these trying times. He has been my anchor to the program when I have not had access to meetings or any kind of sober-minded fellowship. He has sent me books and other resources so I can continue to work my program at some level. When I have had slips, he has helped me and uplifted me. My time so far has been much more enriched and productive because Tom has been helping me along.

I tell you this story for a reason. I cannot work or sustain my program of recovery on my own. I need a faithful friend to support me along the way. Everybody needs a Tom, in some form or another. I wish everyone can enjoy the intimate, rock-solid friendship that Tom and I share. It is a beautiful thing. Tom has often described himself as a "Samwise" to my "Frodo" (though I usually identify more with Aragorn, lol!) in the way that we love and support each other in the adventures of life and recovery. We often say that there is nothing that either of us could say or do that would make us love each other less. There are no secrets between us, we have shared our most dark and most depraved moments with each other and given each other nothing but respect and affection.

It is curious, outside of our faith and the program we do not have much in common, we do not like the same movies or TV shows, we do not listen to the same kind of music (though we do find some common ground here, especially with J and K-pop), we do not share the same hobbies, but we have still built an enduring friendship. 

From the beginning, our ambition has been to be conduits of the love of God to each other. We help each other to flourish and thrive in our walks with Christ.

I think everybody needs at least one person in their life like this. A person that knows our entire history and loves us regardless, who accepts us and encourages us no matter what. A person that knows every detail of our character defects and still accepts us, someone with whom we can be completely vulnerable and authentic without fear of judgment.

I am not sure if Tom and I have the Christian ideal of friendship, but it is very close. We confess our faults to each other; we bear one another's burdens. We try to love each other the way that Christ modeled. Like Hiawatha and his friends, we have given each other "the right hand of our hearts" and "speak with naked hearts together."  A Proverb comes to mind that describe our relationship well: "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." (Proverbs 27:17)

This relationship did not come about by chance; it has taken work and effort on both our parts. We have had to learn and compromise. We have learned to give selflessly. Being a conduit of God's love means sacrifice, and that is not always easy, but the joy we find is worth it in the end.

I don't know if it is possible for everyone to have the kind of friendship we have. I know I feel uniquely blessed in this. If you have a good friend like this, be grateful and continue to work at it. If you do not have a friend like this, I encourage you to pray for one and go and seek for one and work at it. Whatever effort it takes, it is worth it.