Rigorous Honesty
The book of Proverbs in the Bible gives us this instruction,
"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper; but whoso confesseth and
forsaketh them shall have mercy." (Proverbs 28:13)
For a long time, I was really good at keeping my sins
covered. I kept all the ugly parts of myself hidden. I had a double life. Everybody
knew me as the upstanding Christian guy, the Christian school teacher, the
preacher, the assistant pastor. I was as virtuous and pious as they come. But
there was a monster lurking in the basement of my soul. I had to keep that sin
and addiction hidden at all costs. I was certain that if I exposed that monster
to anybody I would be hated, rejected despised. I had to keep that sin secret,
and because I did, that monster only grew stronger.
Eventually I became so desperate that I had to ask someone
for help, and once that silence was breached, I found some relief from the
guilt and shame I had been carrying. I took a chance and revealed my authentic
self to someone and was rewarded with grace, compassion, and the beginning of
the healing process for my soul.
The Twelve Steps acknowledge the need for this kind of
confession, Step Five says this, "We admitted to God, to ourselves and to
another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
In the process of working the Steps we make a complete moral
inventory - a comprehensive list of all the wrong things that we have done and
how our character defects have harmed other people. Once that list is complete,
we confess it all to God and to another person. We dig deep and pull up all the
filth and uncleanness in our souls and we dump it on them.
In order to do this, we need a confidant who we can trust
absolutely to hear this confession. That faith and trust is the foundation of
rigorous honesty. Finding a person ready and willing to bear the load of our
sin and not judge us or condemn us can be a challenge. I have been fortunate to
be involved in different Twelve Step groups and have found many solid men who
offered me unconditional encouragement and support, and were willing to listen
as I unloaded my sins. These men were addicts like me and knew that in spite of
my failures I was still worthy of love and respect.
I have heard fellow addicts say that they fully expected to
be killed if anybody found out their dirty secrets, and when they got done with
their Fifth Step and had shared every evil deed with a trusted friend they
wondered, "Why aren't you killing me right now? I know I would kill me if
I found out this stuff!" But when
we overcome these primal instincts, open up and share, we end up finding
connection, acceptance, and encouragement.
To be effective, this confession should be as full and
complete as possible. It will be uncomfortable and painful at points. We come
clean of every harmful and unclean thing we have ever done. Nothing is hidden
or held back. The most shameful parts of ourselves are the most important for
us to reveal, and when we do, something amazing happens, we find love and
respect we never could have known in our secrecy.
It took me a long time to really get through this step
properly. There were certain habits that I hesitated to talk about. I was
afraid my friends in the program couldn't relate. I didn't want to seem weird
or strange. But those broken places that I wanted to keep hidden were some of
the most important for me to talk about and bring into the light. As long I
kept them hidden and secret, they continued to hold power over me.
Practicing Step Five is the doorway to rigorous honesty, but
it is just the beginning of this important discipline. Many times, we need to
go back, take another inventory, and do another confession, each time going
deeper and revealing more of ourselves. Rigorous honesty means that we hold
nothing back and we hide nothing. The more honest we are, the more healing that
we find. Our secrets only continue to feed the monster of addiction. Speaking
truth, not matter how ugly and painful that truth may be, makes it starve, shrivel,
and die.
My understanding and practice of rigorous honesty has grown
alongside my relationships with men in Twelve Step programs. The stronger those
friendships are, the more loved and respected I feel, the safer I feel to share.
But in order to build that trust I have to share my wounds. This was
challenging for me, especially when I was really struggling in the addiction,
and I was compulsively acting out every few days. It seemed like every time I
called people up, I had to check in another failure. At times I could tell I
was a burden to my friends, but they were still supportive and helpful. I
learned to share more about the details around each slip, what I was thinking
and feeling, the situations and environmental factors that played a role. Talking
through that helped me build strategies so I could find success.
Even in my private confessions to God, I became more
rigorously honest. I would confess the sins of looking at porn, but then I
would go deeper and look at the character defects driving those behaviors, the
anger, resentment, selfishness, pride, entitlement and all the rest underlying
those behaviors. It has taken work and time to uncover these character defects.
I have had to really examine my heart and mind, but this has led to spiritual
and emotional growth.
Today, rigorous honesty looks like active communication. I
call or email a friend in the program every day and let him know how I am
doing, if I am having any thoughts or urges. I tell him if I am angry,
stressed, hungry, happy, excited, or otherwise at risk of slipping back into
the addiction. I inform him about any work I am doing in the program and what
progress I am making. I am an open book. I share every part of myself.
The monster is out of the basement and in the front yard now. I would like to say he is dead, but he is still there, though much smaller and weaker in the light of day. Now I am not fighting it alone, I have help from a group of trusted men. Today I have reprieve, perhaps even victory, and one of the reasons is because I have learned to practice rigorous honesty.
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