Internal Triggers

Those of us who have struggled with addiction know all too well what it feels like to be carried along by urges and cravings into chaotic and destructive behaviors. Against our better judgment, we progressively indulge in more strange, bizarre, and deviant activities. In the trance of the addiction, we find ourselves watching things and doing things that in the light of day we find disgusting, and in days past we never would have even found desirable.  

We end up shaking our heads, puzzled as to how in the world we ended up doing what we did. We cannot make sense out of our own behaviors. 

This was what it was like for me. It was like I was in a self-driving car with my hands duct taped behind my back. I knew what I was doing but had no idea what was causing it. There was no gap between stimulus and response. It was all blurred together. I would find myself zoned out in front of the computer clicking from one image and video to the next, unable to stop and unable to comprehend what got me there in the first place. 

Last time we looked at this idea of triggers and how they feed into our addiction. We learned to look out for external triggers, or situations and environments that cause us to feel urges and cravings. This time I want to focus on internal triggers, or the mental and emotional states that feed our acting out patterns. These are stimuli that lead to the response of us acting out. We study our triggers with the goal of creating some space between the stimulus and response so we can respond in better, healthier ways. 

A common acronym we use in recovery is HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. If we find ourselves in any of these vulnerable states, then we may be at risk for acting out. Boredom and Stress are major triggers as well, so I like to make it BLA(H)ST - Bored, Lonely, Angry, (Hungry), Stressed and Tired - I put hunger in parentheses, because it is usually not much of a trigger for me, so I leave it off and make it BLAST. Feeling tired can be an issue, so if I get so hungry, I feel tired, then that can be an issue. 

These are tools to help us learn to pay attention to how we are feeling both physically and emotionally. When I was in the addiction, I gave very little attention and thought to how I was feeling. My addictive behaviors were nearly automatic, I would have some negative feeling and immediately I would turn to fantasy, porn, and masturbation. I may have been able to refrain until I got home or found a restroom, but just barely. There was a stimulus and response, and no space in between. 

As I began to identify my triggers, especially those dangerous mental and emotional states, I began to be able to put some space between that stimulus and response. 

This started out in retrospect, a postmortem of sorts. I would look back after I had acted out, filled with remorse and shame, and try to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. As my recovery progressed, I would feel triggered, but I would find more of a space, a reprieve of sorts, before I would begin the rituals. I was able to think more clearly, "I am feeling lonely, I was just thinking about an old girlfriend and now I am thinking about porn." "I was just in a confrontation with a belligerent student, I am angry and stressed and now I want to masturbate." 

I was able to recognize some of the feelings and thoughts driving the addiction. I was not always able to stop the acting out, but I was at least learning how it was working. I had been focusing on the response, the acting out behaviors, now I was able to take a step back and analyze the stimulus that was triggering the behavior. As I worked at this, I gained more and more breathing room between that stimulus and response. 

What was puzzling and surprising was that many times I would act out when I was feeling very upbeat and positive. "I just got finished having a really fun time with some friends, and now I want to look at porn." The addiction works to numb out all strong emotions, so even feeling happy and excited can be a trigger. Sometimes acting works as a sort of celebratory thing. We want to keep the good times rolling, so we act out. 

As I studied the patterns of thinking and feeling around the addiction, I learned that feelings of loneliness and abandonment were major issues for me. Patrick Carnes describes all addictions as intimacy disorders. We go to porn, drugs, alcohol, and the rest because we have issues around relationships. We feel disconnected from God, others, and ourselves, so we look to porn to fill that void. 

The point at this stage is to simply recognize the underlying situations and the mental and emotional states that preceded the acting out, and the feelings that were at work. We become curious about our behaviors and the way our hearts and minds work. We ask "why?"  "Why am I acting out?" "Why did this particular event make me want to act out?" "Why am I looking at a certain type of porn and why am I craving certain behaviors?" We study and investigate ourselves to learn what is going on in our hearts and minds. These questions might not seem important, but if we are going to have long-term sobriety it is important for us to get to these root issues. 

This is just another step in the process. Once we recognize the faults in our thinking and the emotions feeding them, then we can work on learning how to deal with them in a healthy way. Once we begin to identify this pattern, then we can begin to identify some of the automatic thoughts and the false beliefs that are propelling our behaviors, more on that next time.