The Need Behind the Acting Out

 

Michael John Cusick has a great book on sex addiction and spirituality called Surfing for God.  In it he has a quote he attributes to G.K. Chesterton, "Every time a man knocks on the door of a brothel, he is really looking for God."  This ties into his title as well, every time we surf the internet for porn, we are really searching for God.

Reading this came as a revelation to me.   If porn was just a bad habit, I should have been able to give it up without too much difficulty.  I have plenty of self-discipline and self-control in every other area, but when it came to porn, I had none.  That was because I was looking to it to satisfy longings that were so deep and profound, I didn't even know what they were or that I had them.  These were emotional and spiritual needs that had long been buried under years of sin and shame.  It took me years to identify what they were and find healthy ways to deal with them.

Over the last few posts we have been working at ways to identify those deeper issues and find healthy ways to deal with them.  We have looked at automatic thoughts and false beliefs and how those contribute to our acting out patterns.  In this post I want to look at what those thoughts and beliefs tell us about ourselves and how we can find healthy practices to meet those needs so that we do not turn to porn or other acting out behaviors.

Addictions, either to behaviors like porn, or to substances like drugs, usually fall into one of three categories: satiation, stimulation or fantasy.  Perhaps you learned at some point that substances that are abused are typically put into three categories: depressants, stimulants and hallucinogens depending on how they affect the mind and the body.  Alcohol is the most commonly used and abused depressant; it is used to calm the body down, feel relaxed, to de-stress and unwind.  Using depressants would equate to satiation.  Stimulants like nicotine and cocaine give us an artificial rush of excitement, energy and focus, they give us a feeling of heightened awareness and euphoria.  Hallucinogens like marijuana or LSD would be categorized under fantasy because they can transport us out of our mundane reality and make us feel and see things we typically would not, they help us escape the pain and the problems that weigh us down.  Different activities and substances can fit into multiple categories, and often there is overlap.  Alcohol is typically used for satiation, but may also be used for fantasy, or both at the same time.

Just as we use substances to fill those different needs and desires, we also look to porn and sex.  If we feel stressed and anxious, we look to porn for satiation, to help us relax and find some relief.  If we are bored, or our life feels empty, we may go to porn to find some stimulation, fun and excitement.  Porn is designed to help us escape our daily grind and enjoy a fantasy world where we don't have to deal with life on life's terms.

As we identify the thoughts and beliefs driving our addiction we can begin to see these patterns of satiation, stimulation and fantasy at work.  Usually our automatic thoughts will lead directly to one or more of these categories.  "I just had a stressful day at work, and I just want to look at porn and relax."  This would point primarily to satiation, but it may also be some fantasy as well.  "I just woke up alone in bed, I don't have anything to do today, I think I'm just going to masturbate..."  This is most likely a desire for stimulation.

As we connect our acting out patterns to those three categories we can begin to plan ways to meet those needs and desires in healthful ways.  If stimulation is the problem, this often springs from a desire for fun and excitement.  Often those of us with addictions struggle with feelings of shame around fun.  We do not feel worthy of enjoying some time for ourselves to do something just for the simple joy of it.  We think we have to keep running and working and striving at all times.  Maybe if we get this project done, finish all our chores, then maybe we can have some fun.  Other times we feel trapped or oppressed by our jobs or spouses and families, they do not let us have any fun, so we act out as a way to "show them" or to reward ourselves in some misdirected way.

In recovery we learn that we are worthy of taking time for healthy, enriching, fun pass times.  These usually do not look like the habits we had in the addiction.  For example, I had a tendency to binge watch videos after I had acted out.  This turned into more numbing behavior and shut me off from others.  But going to the theater and watching a movie now and again was a form of healthy fun for me, or I might just watching one or two episodes of a series.  Going to the gym or going for a swim are fun activities for me as well.  Going on camping trips, hiking, exploring art and history museums, and so on.  A helpful way to look at this is to consider our childhood, what were the things we did that brought us the most fun and joy?  How did we play as children?  Is there a way to bring that into our daily habits today?

If we find ourselves going to porn for satiation, we most likely need to find ways to unwind and relax in healthy ways.  Sleep is always a good idea.  If we are not getting 7-8 hours of sleep that is something we should probably make more of a priority.  Exercise, especially things like stretching or yoga can be helpful to let us unwind.  Taking a long, leisurely walk, especially if there is a park or some green nearby is great for relieving stress.  Again, I would encourage stepping away from the TV or limiting it, that usually ends up stimulating or stressing us more.

For me, dealing with fantasy most often looks like being creative in some way, usually writing.  This ties in with stimulation above.  We can think of things we did as children that were fun and creative and try to work some of those activities into our lives.  Crafting, gardening, painting, drawing are all good examples.  Anything that engages our imagination in a healthy way is going to help.  I enjoy a good story, so imaginative books or comic books are a way for me to scratch the itch for fantasy.  This can also add some fun and excitement and help me relax.

Addiction is an unhealthy coping mechanism.  We don't know how to manage our feelings in a healthy way, so we turn to the addiction for relief.  In recovery we train ourselves to manage those feelings without acting out.  We examine our behaviors to see what our underlying needs are and then build in healthy modes of dealing with our needs.  Over time we become more and more preemptive, we don't wrestle with urges on a daily basis, but we can see further down the road and make preparations to deal with them.  We learn where our struggles will be and head them off before they become unmanageable.  Our greatest need is to connect with God and walk with him on a daily basis.  As our spirituality grows, we find that our desires for satiation, stimulation and fantasy are all fulfilled in him.  Indeed, in Christ we find every longing of our hearts satisfied.