Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Shame?

 

Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash

The idea of shame has fallen on tough times in recent years. In most conversations on the topic, shame is almost universally regarded as a bad thing, as if it is an emotional cancer or virus that needs to be eradicated.

As I have discussed in previous posts, I do not believe that shame is necessarily a bad thing. It can be a sort of warning light that lets us know when have stepped into the dark. It is a sign that we are created in the image of God and our moral compass is properly aligned. It helps us to know our attitudes, beliefs and behaviors are tuned correctly. It is an alarm that lets us know when we are in danger of harming our connection with those closest to us and society as a whole.

Think about it like this: what if we had no shame? What would happen if we were completely shameless? How does a shameless person behave? He would have no respect or regard for himself or others. He would use and abuse anyone or anything in order to meet his selfish desires. He would be a menace at best and most likely a villain. His only concern would be personal gratification and he would leap over any boundary, rule or law to reach that end.

While I believe shame is helpful, it can also be harmful. There are times when it keeps us aligned in our relationships, but then there are times it drags us away from God and healthy relationships. Sometimes it helps us and other times it hurts us. So, I find it helpful to divide shame into two categories: healthy and toxic.

Healthy shame is a gift from God meant to guide us into relationship with him. It guards our hearts from indulging in sin and unrighteousness that would separate us from his love. When we deviate from his plan, from his law, shame pierces our hearts to let us know that we are off track and heading into dangerous terrain.

Toxic shame is a tool of Satan that he uses to divide us from God and those we love. It pollutes our hearts and drives us to indulge in increasingly dangerous and unhealthy behaviors. It makes us believe that we are unworthy of love, that we are worthless and inadequate, and nobody likes us as we are. It pushes us further and further into the darkness, isolating us and slowly dissolving our being like an acid.

Toxic shame is demonic and corrupt, it is a perversion. It divides us from our true selves.

One of the key distinctions between healthy and toxic shame is the fact that healthy shame attacks us at the level of our actions and behaviors while toxic shame attacks us at the level of our identity.

Healthy shame tells us that we did something bad.

Toxic shame tells us that we are bad people.

Healthy shame says, don't do that again, you might hurt yourself or someone else.

Toxic shame says, keep doing that, you don't deserve any better, you should keep hurting yourself. You are worthless and you deserve to suffer.

Healthy shame says, that was a stupid thing to do, don't do that again.

Toxic shame says, you did that because you are a stupid person, and you are going to keep doing that because you are never going to stop being stupid.

Healthy shame inspires us to apologize, confess, repent and make things right.

Toxic shame tells us to hide, to lie, to distance ourselves, because if people found out, if they knew, they would reject us and abandon us.

It was toxic shame that compelled Adam and Eve to sew some fig leaf loin cloths and hide in the bushes after they had sinned. But it was healthy shame that drove King David to repent after his sin with Bathsheba (See Psalm 51).

Healthy shame helps us to recognize our faults and failures so that we can make them right. It accepts consequences and punishment and moves forward.

Toxic shame holds us captive in our faults and failures, it makes us believe not just that we failed, but that we are failures and all we are and ever will be are failures. It convinces us that there is no hope for redemption and restoration, so why try? Toxic shame invites punishment, even punishments that are excessive and degrading, telling us that is what we deserve. If other people will not punish us, then we will punish ourselves.

With healthy shame there is forward movement through punishment to reconciliation. Toxic shame keeps us locked in the punishment phase, there is no punishment sufficient to wash away the sin. We just go on punishing ourselves and accepting punishment, if not inviting punishment. These lies are abominations birthed from the pit of hell. 

Many people will use "guilt-shame" categories here instead of "toxic-healthy". Guilt is essentially the same as what I am calling healthy shame and shame is essentially the same as toxic shame. I believe that guilt itself may also be toxic or healthy, there is certainly a significant overlap between guilt and shame. I think what these well-intentioned folks are doing is essentially redefining terms and as a result are confusing the issue more than helping it. We end up with people who have different definitions in their heads, and we are not able to communicate effectively without defining terms up front. Scripture uses "guilt" and "shame" almost interchangeably. There are times when we are commanded to be ashamed for our sin. So, it is difficult for me to say that shame is always a bad thing.

We must learn to discern the good from the bad, the healthy from the toxic, the voice of the Holy Spirit, convicting our hearts with healthy shame and inviting us into the light of repentance and restoration and the voice of Satan crushing our spirit, convincing us that we are worthless and unworthy of love, driving us into the darkness of isolation.

Inspirational and Spiritual Greeting Cards and Prints covering a variety of topics including God's Word, Love, Christmas, and Recovery: https://www.etsy.com/shop/desperatejoy