Uprooting Toxic Shame
There has been a dark, secret force that has been oppressing
me for much of my life. It was the hidden power that fueled my addiction to
porn and compulsive masturbation. It eventually led me into captivity,
literally, in a federal prison where I now reside.
It festers and grows in the darkest parts of my soul and
feeds on lies and deception. Its fruit is despair and destruction.
It kept me hiding, creating facades and masks to hide who I
really was. People would ask what was going on and I would say,
"Fine." "Just really busy."
"Didn't sleep well."
Always hiding the truth of chaos in my soul.
This dark force was toxic shame.
The first time I found some relief from that shame was in my
late twenties. I had just finished a master's degree in education at a small
Christian college and was attending the large church that sponsored the school.
I wasn't in full-time ministry or enrolled in a Christian school for the first
time in my life.
I had been trying to stop looking at porn since I was a
teenager, trying and failing. I knew I needed to ask for help, but I was afraid
I would get in trouble with my church or school. At that point I thought I had
nothing to lose. I wouldn't get fired or expelled if I told someone about my
secret shame.
Jeremy was an assistant pastor at the church and taught the
Sunday school class that I was a part of. He was friendly and compassionate,
and I thought he would be safe to tell. We got lunch at Panda Express, and I
spilled. He didn't think he could help me, and sent me to another pastor, John.
He was also understanding and encouraging but thought he was out of his depth. I
ended up calling a professional Christian therapist and began seeing him on a
regular basis.
Opening up to these men was a tremendous relief, like
letting some air out of a balloon set to burst. I had a sense of lightness and
peace like I never had before. Toxic shame fed me the lie, and I believed it,
that if anybody knew about my addiction to porn, they would reject me and
abandon me, and my life would be over. Nobody would respect me and love me if
they knew about this problem. I was on my own.
Revealing my naked shame to these men pulled back the
curtains on my soul and let some light in for the first time.
After talking with the therapist, I felt freedom to tell my
story to other people. There were two or three good friends that I shared this
burden with. One became an accountability partner. He was also struggling with
porn, and it became a case of the blind leading the blind. Neither of us had
any idea about how to break free, but it was certainly better than hiding in
the shadows and sinking in toxic shame.
The next big breakthrough came a few years later when I was
living in Virginia. When I first got there, I was short on cash, but wanted to
keep working at recovery. Since I couldn't afford the therapist, I decided to
find a Twelve Step group.
I found men much like myself who struggled with secret
shame, sin and addiction, but who had found freedom and serenity. They shared
their suffering and pain along with their triumph and joy openly and honestly. They
were vulnerable and allowed us to see the trauma and sickness they carried. They
were courageous and strong enough to reveal how weak and powerless they really
were and how badly they needed help. They opened their darkest secrets and
found a gateway to their greatest strength.
Their vulnerability and honesty made me feel safe enough to
share my struggles and heartaches as well. I could tell every gory detail of my
story, every wicked thing I had seen and done, and they would smile and say,
"Me, too. You're in the right place, keep coming back." In spite of my weaknesses, failures, sins and
pollution I was welcomed, accepted and respected.
I believed for so long that if people knew about my issues,
they would lose all respect for me. And for me, respect is huge. It is right
there with love. In fact, if a person says he loves me, but treats me with
disrespect, he may as well be lying. In that group I found men that respected
me, and I didn't have to hide or put on an act. I could be my true, authentic
self and reveal all my scars and scum, and it did not make them lose respect
for me. If anything, they respected me more because of my honesty, because they
knew the courage it takes to tell your story like that. It was through that
respect that I found myself feeling truly loved, perhaps for the first
time.
Before this, no one really knew me, so they could not love
me for who I truly was. Sure, my mom, dad, sister and so on loved me, but they
did not really know me, not completely. Only when we are completely known can
we be completely loved.
As I opened myself up to the respect and love of those men,
my heart began opening more to the love of God as well. They became a channel
of his love. I had always known, as a theological tenet, that God loved me, and
at times I had felt that love. But as the addiction and shame spread their
black roots through my soul, God's love seemed to cool and grown dim. I would
catch glimmers of it at times, a steady warmth and pressure, especially when I
would pray. But through this process, this group, it became more vivid and
tangible. I felt like Dorothy when she
arrived in Oz and suddenly everything was in Technicolor. It was a whole new
depth and dimension of God's love.
It has been a long, arduous process that continues to this
day, but this process of rigorous honesty and vulnerability have been essential
practices that have helped me face addiction and toxic shame. For many years
while I was locked up, I did not have access to a Twelve Step group, but I have
had a good friend from the program, Tom, who has always been there to pick up
the phone and listen when I needed to share. There is nothing that I have not
told him, he knows every sordid detail of my struggles with porn addiction. You
may not have access to a group, but if you can find at least one good friend
like that, you can begin to deal with toxic shame.
The vast majority of the people I have told of my addiction
have been encouraging and supportive. It is important to find safe, affirming
people to open up to, but my experience has been that when we are vulnerable
and share our weakness, most people respond with kindness and compassion.
There are no quick and easy fixes when it comes to toxic
shame. You can't spray it with Holy Water and banish it to the dark. Those
black roots run deep, and it takes time and work to pull them out. But the way
it has worked for me and many others is that the process of healing begins when
we remove our masks, become vulnerable, and share our authentic selves with
safe, compassionate people.
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