Desperate Joy

  One of the most important aspects of recovery is learning what exactly it is we are trying to get out of our addictive behavior. Addiction is never just about the acting out behavior or the pleasure we gain from it. There are deeper reasons as to why we go back to the addiction time and time again despite so many negative consequences. We have been exploring these ideas over the last few weeks. We started looking at triggers and have gotten down to the root, the false beliefs that are built into the foundation of the addiction. A few years back I did group therapy, and they offered me many useful tools to help me in this process of identifying those false beliefs. One of the most helpful was what they called a " Relapse PreventionSheet " [https://familystrategies.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Relapse-Prevention-Sheet.pdf] or RPS for short. If we felt triggered or in danger of acting out, we were encouraged to fill one out. For a long while, I mostly used it after I had sli...

In the New Testament one of the most important and profound things that we can learn is that we are in the middle of a spiritual war. The Apostle Peter warned us, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith."(1 Peter 5:8-9)  Paul admonishes us as well, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." For those of us who have struggled in addictions, we know all too well about this battle. Satan's weapons are primarily lies, deceit and false beliefs. Jesus described Satan as the father of lies (John 8:44). When he first appears in the Garden of Eden, we find him feeding falsehoods to Eve. He is subtle, clever, and wily. He disguises himself as an angel of light. Just as he lured Adam and Eve away from the Lord promisi...

  One of the programs they offer at this facility is a self-study program through the psychology department. Every month or so they offer self-help books on a range of topics from criminal thinking to relapse prevention. We can borrow these books, do the work in them, and receive certificates indicating that we have completed the book. Recently, I picked up a book on changing habits. Many of these books I have done are not that helpful, but I pick them up in hopes that I will learn something and so that I have certificates to show a future judge or probation officer that I have been working at rehabilitation. I was not expecting to learn much from this book, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it had great insights into the thinking processes underlying my addiction. As I worked through it, they presented this idea of automatic thoughts that are precursors to the bad habit, or in the case of those of us in addiction, the acting out behaviors. Think about driving a car. If ...

Those of us who have struggled with addiction know all too well what it feels like to be carried along by urges and cravings into chaotic and destructive behaviors. Against our better judgment, we progressively indulge in more strange, bizarre, and deviant activities. In the trance of the addiction, we find ourselves watching things and doing things that in the light of day we find disgusting, and in days past we never would have even found desirable.   We end up shaking our heads, puzzled as to how in the world we ended up doing what we did. We cannot make sense out of our own behaviors.  This was what it was like for me. It was like I was in a self-driving car with my hands duct taped behind my back. I knew what I was doing but had no idea what was causing it. There was no gap between stimulus and response. It was all blurred together. I would find myself zoned out in front of the computer clicking from one image and video to the next, unable to stop and unable to compr...